Boundaries for a Better Life We all need boundaries By Petra Kmetec Bitenc Boundaries for a better life Copyright © 2024 by Petra Kmetec Bitenc Licensed ICM Transformational coach & licensed Transactional analysis coach Proofreading: Ensitra Prevajanje, Brigita Vogrinec Škraba s.p. Cover Design: Laura Pompe Sterle Text Layout: Petra Kmetec Bitenc Publisher Petra Kmetec Maribor, Slovenia https://pkb.coach Publication Date 2024 Kataložni zapis o publikaciji (CIP) pripravili v Narodni in univerzitetni knjižnici v Ljubljani COBISS.SI-ID 200084995 ISBN 978-961-07-2198-7 (ePUB) All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author. “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend Boundaries for a Better Life Boundaries for a better life Prologue We all need boundaries What is a boundary? Various types of personal boundaries From soft to rigid boundaries Self-awareness is important How can you tell when boundaries have been violated or when they should be set? Discovering one's own boundaries Setting boundaries in two steps People's reaction to newly set boundaries Always let people know you hear them. Different communication styles Communication with highly reactive people Do boundaries change? Communication using “I” sentences Say what you want About the Author Notes: Prologue In a world that's constantly pushing us to do more, be more, and give more, it's easy to lose sight of what's truly important: our own well-being. That's where boundaries come in. Boundaries are the lines we draw around ourselves to protect our physical, emotional, and mental health. They're essential for living a fulfilling life and maintaining healthy relationships. But what exactly are boundaries? And how do we set them? This book is a guide to understanding and setting boundaries. It's a journey of self-discovery and self-care that will help you become more empowered, assertive, and confident in your interactions with others. You'll learn why boundaries are important, how to identify your personal boundaries, and how to communicate them effectively to others. Through real-life examples, exercises, and practical tips, this book will help you navigate the complex terrain of boundaries. You'll learn how to say "no" without feeling guilty, how to set limits with difficult people, and how to honor your own needs and desires. Whether you're struggling with relationships, work, or just life in general, this book will give you the tools you need to create a healthier, more fulfilling life. So if you're ready to take control of your life, set healthy boundaries, and live with greater confidence and peace, then join us on this journey of self-discovery and transformation. The journey starts here. We all need boundaries  Boundaries for a Better Life We were sitting over coffee, enjoying a pleasant summer day, and chatting about life. The people around us were engrossed in their own conversations, some absorbed by their screens, oblivious to the company around them. Suddenly, a gust of wind came out of nowhere and tousled the ruffles on my friend's shirt. It's in my nature to lend a helping hand, so without thinking twice, I reached out and fixed her shirt. Only when she flinched and looked at me with wide, astonished eyes did I realize that I had crossed her personal boundary. I apologized and gave myself a mental notice not to do this again. Setting boundaries is an essential part of our personal growth and well-being. Without boundaries, we can lose sight of our own needs and become enmeshed with those around us. We might feel overwhelmed and unclear about where our own responsibilities end and where others' begin. This can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and even physical sickness. In contrast, setting personal boundaries helps us protect ourselves and our relationships. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or mental. For example, a physical boundary might be deciding to not let someone touch you without your consent, while an emotional boundary might involve setting limits on how much you are willing to share with others. Mental boundaries might involve learning to say "no" to things that do not align with your values or priorities. However, setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if we have been raised in cultures or families that emphasize putting others' needs before our own. In Slovenia, for example, the Christian ideology that many people are raised with teaches humility, compliance, and acceptance. While these values can be positive in certain situations, they can also lead us to neglect our own needs and desires. In order to set boundaries effectively, we need to learn how to love and respect ourselves. This means acknowledging our feelings, thoughts, values, and beliefs, and learning to communicate them assertively to others. It also means recognizing that setting boundaries is not selfish or rude, but rather an act of self-care and respect. One common barrier to setting boundaries is feeling guilty or afraid of upsetting others. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that saying "no" to someone we care about is a sign of selfishness or lack of love. However, it's important to recognize that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, not on one person always giving in to the other. Setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable or awkward at first, but it's a skill that can be learned with practice. It's also important to remember that boundaries can evolve over time, and what worked for us in the past might not work for us in the future. Being open to learning and growing is key to maintaining healthy relationships with ourselves and others. In conclusion, setting personal boundaries is essential for our well-being and relationships. It requires us to learn how to love and respect ourselves, communicate assertively, and be open to growth and change. By setting healthy boundaries, we can create a life that aligns with our values and priorities, and build relationships that are based on mutual respect and understanding. What is a boundary? “Boundaries are the gatekeepers that allow us to experience healthy relationships and emotional well-being.” Dr. Andrea Brandt The concept of boundaries can be a bit abstract and difficult to grasp, especially when it comes to personal boundaries. Unlike physical boundaries, which are clearly defined and visible, personal boundaries can be more challenging to identify and understand. However, they are just as important, if not more so. Boundaries help us define ourselves and set limits between us and others. They are the sum of our traits, thoughts, and emotions that create our sense of self. Without boundaries, we can easily lose sight of who we are and become one with others, leading to exhaustion and sickness. Personal boundaries are like a fence around a house, signaling to others that there will be consequences if they cross it without permission. They are guidelines, rules, or restrictions that we create because we find them appropriate. By setting boundaries, we let others know how they are allowed to behave around us and what our limits are. This helps us protect ourselves from harmful behaviors or situations. You can set boundaries between yourself and other people, or you can set them for yourself. A good example of that is, if you tell STOP! to all your negative thoughts (e.g., I'm stupid, I can't, I'm not enough, I'm incapable, I don't have any manners, I can't refuse her wish …). Did you know that when we don't set boundaries because we think it will make someone else uncomfortable, we actually don't set boundaries because we feel uncomfortable ourselves? Let me tell you an example: I vividly remember the moment when I went with my husband out for a slice of cake. We were craving it after a month of traveling in Vietnam and finally we came to a place that looked like they can have a decent desserts. Everything was great, cozy atmosphere, instrumental music playing in the background, jamming to all the popular tunes. We ordered our cakes and the waiter had this poker face when taking my order, but he didn't say anything. After about 15 minutes, our desserts arrived, and I couldn't wait to try mine. New York Cheesecake, my absolute favorite, with a passionfruit topping. Mmmmm. I imagined the taste in my mouth as I took pictures and jumped on it. But the fork just didn’t glide smoothly through it. Okay, I thought, maybe it's slightly overbaked. Then I took a bite and realized it was completely frozen. My excitement went down the drain, and I was faced with a dilemma. Should I return it or not? My expectations were shattered, but still I didn't want to be petty and difficult as a guest. After some mental struggle, I nevertheless called a waiter and explained the situation to him. He knew exactly what I was talking about and took it away without any issues. The anticipation of discomfort was solely mine. He had no problem with it because he knew he had served me a product that didn't meet the standards. Next time, when you will feel uncomfortable setting boundaries, ask yourself who is uncomfortable in the situation and set the boundary. Setting personal boundaries is essential for maintaining our sense of self-worth and protecting our mental and emotional well-being. It allows us to be aware of our needs, limitations, and emotions, and communicate them effectively to others. For instance, saying "no" to a request that goes against our boundaries can be empowering and liberating. There are different types of personal boundaries, and each person has their own unique set. Some examples include asking for personal space when needed, not allowing others to touch or use personal items, or setting boundaries around sexual activity. -“When I come home, I need 20 minutes to get out of work mode.” , -“Don’t touch my diary.”, -“I want you to use a condom every time.”, -“I have a project to finish today so I'm asking you not to bother me while I'm working.” Signs of unhealthy boundaries in relationships For a long time, I believed that setting boundaries within a relationship meant that I didn't love my partner. I think that was the biggest misconception of my life. Due to this belief, I allowed myself to be shouted at, subjected to inappropriate behavior, and I was always ready to do anything for my partner, even when it was to my detriment. I remember a particular incident when I had worked the whole day, came home completely exhausted, and all I wanted was a warm meal, a shower, and my bed. My then-partner had been home all day, and the first thing he said when he saw me was, "Can you make us something to eat because I'm hungry?" Without a word, I went to wash the dishes that he had piled up in the sink throughout the day and prepared dinner. I was angry, disappointed, and sad. All these emotions were swirling inside me, but I didn't say anything. Because I was the "good girl" and believing that I had to cater to my partner's every need. Slowly, I was becoming emptier and emptier as I did things against myself. He valued me less and less, and the relationship quickly came to an end. You don't have to be the “good girl or boy”. It is important that you respect yourself and act accordingly. Now I express my thoughts and feeling and if something is against my values, I say no and find a solution. Remember, you will have to live the rest of your life with you, so make sure you are nice to yourself. Signs of unhealthy boundaries in relationships are: - You don't express your needs and desires because your partner doesn't want to hear them. - There's psychological, emotional or sexual abuse within the relationship. - The other person refuses totally normal requests. - You feel angry, disappointed, exhausted after most interactions. - You feel there's a lack of trust within the relationship. - The relationship is one-sided – you give, the other person takes. It is important to set boundaries in a relationship as well. The relationship will function better when you respect your values and yourself. It's great to do favors for your partner and pamper them when you wish to. However, when you're afraid to speak up or you simply forget a part of yourself because you think your partner won't like it, you're doing yourself a disservice. Such a relationship is not healthy. If you feel that something is not right, you can ask yourself: “What is it that I know but I don't want to know?” Be honest with yourself. Allow yourself to make a change or leave when change is not possible and you're sacrificing yourself. Various types of personal boundaries - Internal boundaries: These are boundaries we set for ourselves, such as taking a break from our phones for a set time or speaking to ourselves only in a positive and loving manner. - Physical boundaries: These relate to touch, such as when, where, how, and by whom we allow ourselves to be touched, as well as when and how we touch others. - Possessional boundaries: These relate to our possessions, such as our home, car, favorite clothing, or personal diary. - Sexual boundaries: These encompass the physical and emotional aspects of sex, including what we find acceptable, sexual jokes that we might not tolerate, courtship styles, and how we discuss sex. - Emotional boundaries: These are about respecting boundaries between people and detaching ourselves emotionally from others to allow them to have their own emotional experiences. This involves taking responsibility for ourselves while not assuming responsibility for others' actions, and not allowing others to violate our emotional space or influence our behavior to suit their needs. - Time-related boundaries: These relate to one of our most valuable resources - time. We may have many interests, but we need to set boundaries to ensure that we allocate time to each of them. - Legal, ideological, and religious boundaries also exist, which are set according to our individual values and beliefs. All of these boundaries intertwine and interact. Sometimes one boundary is being tested, sometimes several at once. Do you have problems setting boundaries? Recognizing that you have difficulty setting personal boundaries can be challenging, but there are some signs to watch out for: - Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, - Holding grudges against people who have certain expectations of you, - Avoiding phone calls or hiding from certain people, - Complaining about always helping others but never receiving any help in return, - Feeling on the verge of burnout or already experiencing burnout, - Struggling to find time for yourself, even when you try, - Fantasizing about escaping or taking a break from certain people or situations, - Avoiding specific people or situations altogether… If you're experiencing any of these signs, it may be an indication that you have problems setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is crucial because it allows you to feel safe, loved, calm, and respected within clearly defined limits. Boundaries also help define how you let others be there for you and how you are there for them. Remember, you're not alone in this. Recognizing the problem is the first step, and with practice, you can learn to set boundaries that work for you and improve your relationships with others. Food for thought: 1. Which boundaries am I demanding that others honor and which are demanded of me by others? 2. Think and write down which boundaries have been violated the most. To which categories do they belong? 3. Which boundaries are the most problematic for you when others ask you to honor them? From soft to rigid boundaries Setting healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of maintaining our well-being and cultivating positive relationships. We all have different experiences and traumas in our lives, and it's only right that we set boundaries around them to protect ourselves and honor our needs. There are three main types of boundaries that we can identify: soft boundaries, walls, and semi-permeable boundaries. Soft boundaries are like a line in the sand that is easily washed away by the waves. Such boundaries are not healthy, as they allow others to invade our personal space too much, leading to exhaustion and scars. People with soft boundaries tend to give away too much information about themselves, have no privacy, and struggle with saying no or accepting inappropriate behavior from others. Such boundaries are not OK because you let others invade your personal space too much. That exhausts you and leaves scars. Such a boundary is giving the impression: “I let people walk all over me as much as they please.” When we have very soft boundaries, we give away way too much information about ourselves, we are too open, and have no privacy. Other indicators of soft boundaries: - Inability to say no. - Instilled desire to please others. - Fear of rejection and criticism. - Oversharing (of information, thoughts). - Dependency on a person. - Accepting inappropriate behavior (various abuse, violence). Examples: - You say YES to things that don't suit you. - You accept tasks and responsibilities for which you know you don't have the time, energy or will to do them. Walls, on the other hand, are rigid and strong defensive boundaries that prevent us from opening ourselves up to others or new ideas and thoughts. While walls may be useful in certain situations, such as protecting us from physical harm or financial loss, they can also lead to a lack of vulnerability, an inability to negotiate, and a strict adherence to rules and expectations. People who've built walls around them don't let anyone close. Such boundaries prevent us from opening ourselves up, either in intimate relationships or to new ideas and thoughts. We're rigid. There's no room for negotiation. Anyway, such boundaries are good when you don't let someone punch you in the face or empty your bank account. That's not negotiable. Rigid boundaries or walls may be manifested as: - Inability to show vulnerability. - Strictly following the rules (even if they're inappropriate or doesn't make sense). - High expectations of others. - Doing something you know is wrong, just out of principle. Examples: - Having the rule that you don't lend money to anyone, under no condition, even if it's just lunch money. - Talking and expressing yourself in a tone that deters people from ever asking you for something again. - When you were little, your mum told you not to talk with strangers and you are still following that rule in your thirties. The healthiest boundaries are semi-permeable boundaries that are both strong and flexible. They allow us to respect our thoughts, values, and feelings while also being open to new thoughts, ideas, and opportunities that can benefit us. Such boundaries are manifested in our ability to show healthy vulnerability to people we trust, say no without apologizing for it, and let only good things through, like a sieve that filters out negative experiences. Healthy boundaries are manifested as: - Respecting your own thoughts, values and feelings. - Showing healthy vulnerability to people who have proved they can be trusted. - Being OK with saying no and being OK when others say no to you. Examples: - Let's say we invite guests to our home and they sit down in our spot in the living room. We let them sit there but we don't let them draw hearts on the sofa with a pen. - When someone asks you for something you know won't be good for you (financially, emotionally or with regard to time), you say no without apologizing for it. Healthy boundaries are like an inner voice whispering to us what's good for us and warning us of bad things. They warn us if certain boundaries will strengthen our relationships or weaken them. It's important to note that boundaries change depending on the type of relationship, period in our lives, and situations we find ourselves in. We may have different boundaries in the workplace, in intimate relationships, among friends, and within our families. Self-awareness is essential in identifying and setting boundaries that honor our needs, and we must pay attention to situations where we feel low on energy, tension in our stomach, or a desire to cry. While some rigid boundaries, such as not stealing or attacking others, apply to all people universally, most boundaries are personal and reflect our unique experiences and traumas. Introverted people need to spend much more time in solitude than extroverted people. Someone who's been raped will have a greater number of sexual boundaries than a person without such experiences. It's crucial to find a balance between boundaries that are too soft or too rigid, as both extremes can be harmful. By setting healthy boundaries, we can lead a life of quality and fulfillment while cultivating positive relationships with those around us. We can have different boundaries in different areas of our lives. Write down your boundaries: - In the workplace. - In an intimate relationship. - Among friends. - Within the family ... Self-awareness is important Pay attention to situations where you feel drained of energy, experience tension in your stomach, or have the urge to cry. Defining the areas where you need more personal space, self-respect, energy or personal strength is the first step in identifying and setting boundaries. Most of you reading this handbook have boundaries that are too loose, too soft. Perhaps you have rigid boundaries in certain areas as a result of extremely soft boundaries in the past that have led to disappointment or hurt (example: after ending a relationship, you refuse to go on a date, because your previous partner hurt you). We're all a product of our experiences and when we put up walls because of past experiences, we ensure a certain degree of safety, but we also prevent the entry of many good things that would benefit us. Boundaries that are too strong can be as harmful as those that are too loose. Balance is essential and it's my wish to present this balance to you, so you can start leading a life of quality and fulfillment. Questions for self-reflection: - What's my inner definition of healthy boundaries? Are there any areas where I should set boundaries but haven't yet? - Do I have boundaries that are too rigid? - Generally speaking – are most of my boundaries soft, semi-permeable or rigid? - Do I have any boundaries that are very permeable? Should they be reset? Should they be firmer? - Which boundaries should I start working on first and what would an ideal boundary be like? By reflecting on these questions, you can gain a better understanding of your boundaries and make informed decisions about how to set them. Remember, setting boundaries is a continuous process, and it's okay to make adjustments along the way as you learn more about yourself and your needs. How can you tell when boundaries have been violated or when they should be set? “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated” Dr. Brené Brown Listen to your body. Your body is constantly communicating with you, providing valuable information about what feels good and what doesn't. It's important to pay attention to physical sensations like tension in your muscles, a churning stomach, or a pounding heart, as these are often indicators that something is amiss. Your subconscious mind also plays a role in recognizing boundary violations. It processes information at lightning speed, allowing you to quickly sense whether a situation is safe or potentially harmful. This instinctual response is often referred to as a gut feeling. Trusting your gut and following its guidance can help you avoid situations that compromise your well-being. It's especially important to listen to your body and gut especially when you find yourself in a situation where your body screams NO but your desire to please, makes you say YES anyway. Remember, you have the power to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs and comfort. Self-reflection: - Think of a time when your body told you not to do something but you did it anyway. Why did you ignore your bodily signals? How did the situation work out? - How does your body warn you of danger? What do you notice on such occasions? Do you listen to your body? - Have you ever experienced an excessive bodily reaction? Perhaps it was connected with a past trauma? Were you taught not to trust your instincts? Discovering one's own boundaries Let's start by first discovering our boundaries. Some of you are very well aware of your feelings and your inner voice that tells you what's right and what isn't. The rest of you have no idea how to listen to yourself and you do what you've been taught is the right thing to do. Both is fine. I don't know about you, but I didn't grow up in an environment where someone would say to me: “You know, boundaries are good. What matters to you?” We start to become aware of our boundaries when we start listening to our bodies. Observe yourself when you're among people and start listening to your feelings. The gut ones. EXERCISE Take 15–30 minutes of your time for the next exercise and delve into it. It's the first of many and it'll help you understand yourself. Grab a pen and start answering the questions below: · What are my physical boundaries? Which of them are rigid (firm), semi-permeable and which are permeable? · Do I have problems communicating my physical boundaries? The boundaries of my body? (Touching, intimacy, my attitude towards myself.) · Which boundaries do I want to be rigid (firm) and which are like that right now? Do I want to change them into another type of boundary? Which one? · Which boundaries do I want to be semi-permeable and which are like that right now? Do I want to change them into another type of boundary? Which one? · Which of my boundaries are permeable? Do I want to change them into another type of boundary? Which one? · My sexual boundaries are the following ... · The boundaries relating to my possessions are ... · Emotional boundaries: Do I want to change anything? How do I define them? Am I satisfied with them? · Do I have any boundaries relating to time? Am I satisfied? Do I want to change anything? · My boundaries within a romantic relationship are currently: (rigid, semi-permeable, permeable?) Write down the different types of boundaries you have and whether you want to change anything. Did you take the time to jot down your answers? If you tuned in to your inner voice and were mindful of the sensations within your body, you likely noticed something. Perhaps it was a subtle whisper or a powerful declaration. As you were writing, what emotions did you experience? What was your physical response? Your body often communicates messages to you, so it's important to be attuned to its signals and acknowledge them. By answering these questions, you've gained an insight into your current situation. You can also ask yourself which areas have room for improvement? What would you like to do but aren't doing it yet? In order to truly benefit from this exercise, it's important to be honest with yourself. It's easy to fall into the trap of writing what you think you should feel instead of what you're really feeling. Take a moment to listen to your body and write down what it's telling you. Are there any areas where you feel a sense of discomfort, tension, or unease? It's important to acknowledge these feelings and write them down. As you write, pay attention to any changes in your body. Are you feeling more relaxed or tense? Are your thoughts becoming clearer or more confusing? Remember that your body is always communicating with you, and it's up to you to pay attention and listen. If you've discovered that you want to make changes in your life, write them down. It can be helpful to have a clear idea of what you want to achieve and what steps you need to take to get there. It's important to be self-compassionate during this process. It's not always easy to look within ourselves and confront our feelings and thoughts. If you need to take a break or need more time to complete these exercises, that's okay. Remember that you're on a path towards positive change, and that takes time and effort. Trust yourself and know that your feelings and thoughts matter. You can find comfort in the following affirmations: - I'm allowed to feel my desires. - I'm allowed to know when I want to set a boundary. - I'm allowed to and it's desirable that I know what I'm feeling and wanting. - I'm patient with myself and slowly uncovering what really matters to me. - I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that my boundaries are not important. Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself during this process. It's common to uncover old memories and emotions that have been buried deep inside. However, this is an opportunity for you to examine them with a mature perspective and release any emotional baggage you may be carrying. It's important to keep pushing forward even on the days when you feel discouraged and your mind is telling you that you can't change. You absolutely can and have every right to do so. Give yourself permission to heal and grow. If you find that exploring your boundaries on your own is difficult or overwhelming, consider seeking the guidance of a professional. We can provide you with a safe and supportive space to do this work and offer valuable insights and strategies. Remember, investing in yourself and your well-being is always worth it in the long run. If you feel unpleasant feelings, define them: -I feel (this) and (that). -It's OK, it's perfectly normal to feel this way because I've been in self-denial for so long. -It's a good sign, it shows I'm making changes. You can also ask yourself: “What do I need right now? How can I feel safe during this process because I don't want to revert to my old habit of pleasing people?” Setting boundaries in two steps Setting boundaries can be challenging for many people, and it's not uncommon to feel uneasy or even afraid about how others will react. But it's important to remember that setting boundaries can lead to long-term well-being and healthy relationships We always set boundaries in two steps. Since you're holding this booklet, I know you think that setting boundaries is hard or you wouldn't be reading this. Many people don't dare to set boundaries because they're afraid of the reaction it might cause. But let me tell you something: the short-term unease experienced when setting the boundaries brings long-term well-being. And that's worth remembering. The first step is communication. People can't tell from your body language or your tone of voice what you want. You need to express your needs clearly and tell people what you expect of them. Try to be as assertive and specific as possible. Example: - It's very important to me that you call before you drop by. I like seeing you but next time call me at least an hour before you visit. - I'm unable to help you financially right now, but perhaps we can discuss it again next month. The second step is taking action. Simply telling someone your boundaries is not enough; you also need to enforce them through your behavior. This means letting the person know when they have violated a boundary and taking steps to prevent it from happening again. Ask the person you're trying to set boundaries with if they understand you and how your words have come across. They won't necessarily interpret your words the way you want them to. For instance, if the same person you asked to call before visiting, shows up on your doorstep again unannounced, you'll have to take action. You can say in a gentle and respectful way that it's not a good time and that you were serious when you asked them to call you before dropping by. Let them know when they can visit: “I appreciate your visit, but it's not a good time. You can drop by tomorrow at 6 p.m. but please remember to call me beforehand, as we agreed.” I know, it's hard. But only this way will people realize you're being serious and will start complying with your wishes. Simply stating your boundaries and preferences isn't always enough to make them respected and upheld by others. It's important to back up your words with consistent action, so that others understand that you are serious about your new set boundaries and expectations. Sometimes people may assume that your boundaries are just a passing phase or a momentary preference, and may not take them seriously. This is where taking action becomes crucial. When you consistently follow through with your boundaries, you communicate to others that you are committed to them and that you value yourself and your needs. It's important to remember that while others are not responsible for your well-being, they are responsible for the relationship they have with you. This applies to all kinds of relationships, including romantic partners, parents, children, and friends. Similarly, you are also responsible for the relationships you have with others and how you treat them. By setting and upholding healthy boundaries, you can build stronger and more fulfilling relationships with the people in your life. People's reaction to newly set boundaries People will react in different ways to the boundaries you've set. Some will accept them right away, while others might: - Resist. - Test the boundaries. - Hold grudges. - Intellectually rationalize your boundaries. - Ignore them. - Be passive-aggressive towards you. Even if someone reacts in one of these ways, stand by the boundaries you've set. Let's say the person you told you can't lend money to, calls you back the next day and asks: “Are you sure you can't lend me the money? You've always helped me before.” Stay strong and repeat what you told them the day before. “You know I'd lend you the money if I could, but I can't right now. It'd mean a lot to me if you respected my decision.” You don't have to explain the reasons behind your decision. Always let people know you hear them. Some people will start manipulating your feelings and make you feel guilty for saying no to them. You should know that such people don't hear you at all; they only think about themselves and about satisfying their own needs. Healthy relationships go both ways and both parties in the relationship are equally important. What should you do in such cases? Firstly, don't get into a debate. Don't start defending yourself because you'll end up negotiating with them why you should do as they ask. Use “I” sentences and insist on talking about yourself and not them. Reassert the boundary you've set and leave aside any unresolved or old issues. You can tell them how it makes you feel when the other person doesn't respect you or doesn't want to understand/hear you. You can also ask them something along these lines: “What would it take for you to honor my decision (our agreement)?” and then wait for a reply. You'll quickly find out why they are disregarding your boundary. If someone starts behaving in a different, colder way, talk to them. Tell them what you've noticed, e.g.: “You seem distant and I want to talk about what I told you last time. Can we talk?” Always bear in mind why you set a specific boundary in the first place. If you set it and later ignore it, you're teaching people that with a little persistence they can get what they want from you. Regardless of whether it's good for you or not. Love yourself, start respecting yourself, and maintain the boundaries you've set. Practice on small things, be a role model, and persevere even when it's hard. You can do it. Different communication styles Communication is an art form that we practice constantly. The words we choose to use, how we say them or choose not to say them, all play a defining role in our relationships. When it comes to setting boundaries, the way we communicate takes on an even greater significance. There are three distinct communication styles that we can use to establish our boundaries: aggressive, passive, and assertive. The aggressive communication style is characterized by its rough, overbearing nature. Those who employ this style often interrupt others, reject advice, and insist that they are always right. They have strong, rigid boundaries and can be quite imposing. This style is common among politicians, for example. An aggressive communicator might respond to your excitement over ordering pancakes with an eye-roll and a snide comment like, "Pancakes? They're fattening! How can you eat that?" The psychological message conveyed here is that "I'm superior to you”or: ”I’m OK, you're not OK.” The passive communication style is quite the opposite. It doesn't provide protection. It's practiced by people with permeable boundaries. They may suppress their own needs and thoughts and agree to things they don't want to do. They'll often say that everything is okay even when it isn't. They put themselves last and often feel that their inner world is unworthy. A passive communicator might say something like, "Oh, sure, let's order pancakes. I'm gluten intolerant, but I'll manage." The psychological message they are sending is that : You’re more important than I am. Or you can say also: I'm not worthy but you are and we'll do what's good for you. The assertive communication style is the sweet spot between the two extremes. It strikes a balance between standing up for oneself and respecting the opinions of others. An assertive communicator is self-aware and knows how to communicate their needs effectively. They stand firmly by their opinions, yet they also respect the opinions of others. In the pancake scenario, an assertive communicator might respond, "I'm not really in the mood for pancakes, but I'd love some ice cream instead." This kind of behavior sends a message that says: We’re both important, and our opinions matter equally. Or in words of Transactional Analysis: I'm totally OK and you're OK too, even if our opinions differ. Remember, setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships with others. By understanding the different communication styles, we can learn to communicate our needs effectively and establish boundaries that work for us. When we master the art of communication, we can create deeper connections with the people in our lives and experience greater fulfillment in all our relationships. Food for thought: - Which communication style do you practice most of the time? - Is it always the same one or do you communicate differently with different people? - If you react differently to different people – what triggers that in you? - How can you change that? - How can you change your communication style to one that would be more beneficial to you? If you're not expressing your needs the way you'd want to, it's very important that you start working on that. If face-to-face communication is daunting, consider starting with a message or email to express your thoughts and feelings. If we use the pancake scenario, you could say this the following day: “Hello! I've noticed that my behavior yesterday confused you, and I wanted to clarify. Next time, I'll try harder to let you know what's important to me. Yesterday I agreed to pancakes even though I'm gluten intolerant; then I was nervous all evening because I knew what was in store for me. I love pancakes and they're hard to resist. I'm sorry I tried to give you the impression that everything was fine though I acted otherwise. The fact is that gluten gives me digestive problems for a few days and I know I shouldn't be consuming it. Can we order a fruit salad instead of pancakes next time?” Such sincere conversations take quite a bit of practice, especially if you're not used to them. It takes time and practice to master assertive communication, but the rewards are significant. When you can express your needs clearly and respectfully, you'll feel more confident and fulfilled in your relationships. It s truly important that you are happy, or rather, I would say satisfied with your life. There are always ups and downs, but if you find satisfaction in most aspects of your life, then you are on the right path. Having clarity about your desires and establishing appropriate boundaries can be helpful. You hold the responsibility for your own emotional well-being, so if something isn't the way you desire, begin seeking solutions. It's important to remember that choosing to do nothing is also a choice you make. Communication with highly reactive people When dealing with highly reactive people, it's important to understand that their perception of the world is often very black-and-white. They tend to experience intense emotions and engage in negative thinking patterns, which can make it difficult for them to regulate their behavior. Their explosive reactions are often a defense mechanism, as they see the world as a constant threat. Behaving this way makes them feel in control. It could be said that they act on survival instinct because they see the world as a threat. When faced with a highly reactive person, the question of whether or not to react can be a tricky one. For example, if someone is being confrontational with you via email, messages, or in person, should you argue with them? Ask yourself: 1. What are the potential consequences of reacting to this? 2. What would be the consequences of not reacting to this? It's important to consider the potential consequences of both reacting and not reacting. On the one hand, it may be better to leave the situation alone and not react to their provocation. In many cases, when you don't engage, the situation will eventually clear up on its own. However, there may be times when not reacting could lead to unpleasant consequences. For instance, if someone is trying to shift the blame onto you, it's important to speak up and defend yourself. Ultimately, the key is to assess the situation carefully and make a decision based on what's best for you. It's important to remember that highly reactive people may not always be receptive to reason or logic, so it's best to approach them with empathy and understanding, while also protecting yourself when necessary. In his book BIFF, Billy Eddy provides valuable insights on how to handle highly confrontational individuals. The BIFF principle, which stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm, can be employed to avoid conflicts and escape with minimal damage. This principle can be applied when you're in the middle of a battlefield and you want to escape with as few bruises as possible. Be brief: it's crucial to be brief and avoid going into unnecessary details that may be used against you. The more you say or the more information you give, the greater the odds that your opponent will find something to use against you. Be informative: Instead of looking for a scapegoat, pointing out past mistakes and what others said, focus on what you want to communicate. Stay focused and give the information that's vital for you. We want to resolve the conflict, not point out who's the most incompetent. Be friendly: Yes, it's difficult to stay respectful and friendly when we're being treated badly. But the best way to avoid a conflict is to change the course of communication. Hostility will only breed more hostility. Friendly doesn't mean you're complaisant and that you'll agree to everything they propose. It means that we stay dignified and respectful. Be strong and firm: You can be strong without threatening anybody. Tell them what you think, but don't invite them to a follow-up discussion (in the sense: if you want to know more, please let me know). If you get any comments after using the BIFF strategy, you can tell them everything again in condensed form, or ignore the message until the other side gives up. Marshall Goldsmith also has an interesting technique for preventing the escalation of conflict. His approach to preventing the escalation of conflict is called the "Thank You Method." Essentially, the Thank You Method involves responding to criticism or negative feedback by first thanking the person for their input, then acknowledging their perspective or at least some element of truth in what they are saying, and then offering your own opinion or response. By thanking the person, you demonstrate that you are willing to listen and consider their perspective, which can help to defuse their defensiveness and make them more open to what you have to say. Acknowledging the validity of some aspect of their feedback shows that you respect their opinion and are not dismissive of their concerns. Finally, offering your own perspective or response allows you to clarify any misunderstandings or offer additional information that might help to resolve the conflict. Goldsmith believes that the Thank You Method can be a powerful tool for diffusing conflict and maintaining positive relationships, both in personal and professional contexts. However, he notes that it requires practice and a willingness to be open and honest with others Do boundaries change? Do our boundaries change over time? The answer is yes. As we go through life, we gain new experiences and knowledge, which can lead to changes in our perspectives and beliefs. Consequently, our boundaries can shift as well. For instance, you may have realized that your partner is trustworthy, and now you feel comfortable sharing more of your thoughts with them. Or you may have removed certain sexual boundaries that were once in place. On the other hand, you may have become aware that a co-worker is taking advantage of your kindness, and you are now setting appropriate boundaries with them. We need boundaries in various areas of our lives, especially in our family, workplace, and among friends. Without healthy boundaries, we are susceptible to burnout. We may feel overwhelmed with responsibilities at home, take on too many tasks at work, or be too available to our friends, leaving no time for ourselves. To avoid burnout, it's crucial to establish healthy boundaries. In her book, "Izgorelost" [Burnout], Tina Bončina highlights several critical factors that contribute to burnout, such as: - Various instilled values that drive us to act. - Lack of inner authority and the inability to say no. - Workaholism. - Perfectionism. - Being a control freak. - The imposter syndrome. - The excessive desire to please. To this, we can add performing tasks you don't enjoy and working without receiving recognition for your achievements. It could be said that setting boundaries is a cure for burnout and a tool for a better life. We need to set boundaries for ourselves too, not just others. Overworking, trying to control everything, and wanting to please everyone can ultimately make us feel bad. Communication using “I” sentences When you're setting boundaries, communicate by speaking in the first person, from your perspective. It's crucial to realize that no one can make you feel a certain way, such as angry or sad. It's your own reaction to an action that triggers those emotions. So instead of blaming others, take responsibility for how you feel and express it in a different way. For example, instead of saying "You made me angry," you could say "I feel angry right now because of xyz." This style of communication empowers you and restores your strength. You're the one who reacts to an action with anger, sadness, disappointment or laughter. So, the next time you want to pin this on someone: “It's your fault for making me angry,” take responsibility and express how you feel in a different way. “I'm incredibly angry right now. When you do xy, it makes me feel threatened. I'd prefer it if you did this and that.” That's a completely different style of communication. With it, you take responsibility for how you feel and have the power to do something about it. Now you're the one feeling anger and no one has given it to you. Such communication fully restores your strength. Isn't that a great realization? I'm now giving you permission to start saying what's on your mind. Start expressing yourself clearly and directly. Say what you want to express. Find your voice and express it. Some of us weren't allowed to express our opinions when we were little and we now have problems with that as adults. Perhaps you're scared what others will think of you if you express your opinion. Perhaps you don't have an opinion or its very vague. Before speaking, consider what message you want to convey and how you want the other person to receive it? If you're not sure the other person understands you, ask them. We all perceive the world differently and hear messages through our own filters. Active listening is a major challenge and perhaps they didn't even hear you, although they were listening. To make sure you were heard, you could say: “Please repeat in your own words what I just said. It's important to me that we understand each other because that reduces the possibility of mistakes.” When you're on the opposite side and you're not sure you understood the message, you could say: “When you said xy – did you mean this and that?” By listening carefully and trying to understand your conversational partner, your communication will improve. Exercise: Choose a topic and write about it as if you were talking directly to your intended audience. When you're done writing, take a moment to read through what you've written and evaluate whether you were able to convey your thoughts clearly and concisely. This exercise can help you become more aware of your communication style and pinpoint areas that you may need to work on. Alternatively, you could try recording yourself speaking about the topic and listen to the playback. This can help you hear how you sound when you're talking and identify any patterns or tendencies in your speech that you might want to modify or improve. The key is to be open to feedback and willing to make changes as needed in order to become a more effective communicator. Remember, effective communication is an essential skill in many aspects of life, from personal relationships to professional settings. By taking the time to reflect on your communication style and practice different techniques for improving it, you can become a more confident and articulate speaker who is better able to connect with others and get your message across. Always bear the end result in mind. What are you trying to achieve? Say what you want When someone asks you a question, it's important to express your desires clearly instead of responding with a blunt NO. For instance, let's consider Person A asking Person B if they'd like to go for a walk in the evening. Person A: Shall we go for a walk this evening? Person B (option 1): Oh, no. Person B (option 2): I'd rather stay at home tonight and watch a movie; but I'd be happy to go for a walk tomorrow morning. See the difference? This approach allows for further discussion while still making it clear what Person B's preferences are. If you want to get better at expressing your boundaries, it's helpful to start using specific language. For example, you might say: - I'd like you to (stop asking me when I'm going to have children). - I expect you to (call me before you drop by next time). - I need (this time for myself; your support...). Sometimes, you might need to set an ultimatum to get someone to respect your boundaries. However, it's important to use ultimatums responsibly. Ultimatums are healthy when you use them as a tool to get people to respect your boundaries; they're not healthy when you use them to manipulate people to do what you want. You're probably asking yourself – what's the difference? An example of a good ultimatum: If you're not here by six, I'll go for a walk (to the cinema, to dinner ...) by myself. An example of a bad ultimatum: If you're not here by six (and you're out with your friends), you won't see your children for the next two weeks (or I won't talk to you for the next two days). Sometimes two people's boundaries intersect. That requires open communication and if you have a healthy relationship, you'll overcome the challenge. Recently, I established a boundary with my husband to respect my time, but it led to a conflict. He believed that I was violating his boundary because I wasn't following his demands about time. He expected me not to disturb him while he was working, and I expected him that if he said he'd be there in five minutes that it would actually take him five minutes and not an hour. After discussing the issue, we shared our expectations, created new guidelines, and found a solution that satisfied both of us. Our expectations can be a major problem. Sometimes we don't voice our boundaries but expect people to abide by the rules (the ones in our heads). That generates conflicts, which can be resolved only through a good conversation. Do you remember the last time you talked to someone about unwritten rules that you agreed on years ago? It's important to periodically review these unspoken agreements we have with people in our lives, especially if you feel they're being violated or changed without your consent. Keep in mind that you won't be able to have a rational discussion with everyone. Some people may not understand or simply refuse to listen to your concerns. When dealing with such people, you need to ask yourself if you really need them in your life. If you realize you don't, the next question is what will you do? Will you stay in this unhealthy relationship or will you take action? -What will you do? -How far are you willing to go? -Is it acceptable for you to end the relationship to protect yourself? -How will you protect yourself? If you realize that you need these people or that you can't end the relationship for some reason, then ask yourself how you can best protect yourself. What can you do to feel good in a given relationship? Every decision is the right one as long as it resonates with you. You know what your options are. Start believing in yourself, trusting yourself, so you can act the way you want to and not out of fear of the consequences. Setting boundaries begins with self-respect. As long as you're prioritizing outer peace over your inner peace, you'll slowly be losing yourself. You're stronger than you think and capable of doing much more. Start slowly and introduce new boundaries persistently. The current unease will bring good long-term results. I couldn't do it at first either, but it gets better with practice. It's worth it. Think about what you can do today. Perhaps it's spending less time on social media and finally completing the assignment you've been avoiding? Let's make setting boundaries easy from now on. Whenever you're in doubt or facing a challenge you don't know how to tackle, you can write to me at petra@pkb.coach and we'll come up with a solution. I wish you a great deal of success and self-confidence, Petra Kmetec Bitenc About the Author  Petra Kmetec Bitenc is a Licensed ICM (Institute for Coaching Mastery) Transformational coach & licensed Transactional analysis coach, member of the ICF (International Coaching Federation). She loves life, traveling, reading and good conversations. Petra completed her studies at the Academy for Transactional Analysis in Slovenia and is constantly educating herself in the field of psychology. Petra is a researcher of the unconscious, a devoted explorer of the depths of the human psyche, and a passionate advocate of personal growth and development. Her specialty is to uncover limiting patterns and internal blocks in people and transform them into a supportive part of the psyche during the coaching process. You can read more about her work on https://pkb.coach Notes: Page 35: Bill Eddy (2014), BIFF Page 36: Goldsmith Marshall, https://marshallgoldsmith.com/articles/try-feedforward-instead-feedback/ Page 37: Bončina Tina (2019), Izgorelost: si upate živeti drugače?