403 Pr egledni znans tv eni članek/ Article (1.02) Bogoslovni vestnik/Theological Quarterly 84 (2024) 2, 403—417 Besedilo pr eje t o/R eceiv ed:06/2024; spr eje t o/ Accep t ed:09/2024 UDK/UDC: 159.922.73:616.89 27-58-468.6 DOI: 10.34291/B V2024/02/V alen t a © 2024 V alen t a, CC B Y 4.0 Tanja Valenta Unresolved and Ambiguous Losses in Childhood: Invisible Wounds and the Potential for Resilience in Adulthood – Healing Through Prayer and New Relationships Nerazrešene in dvoumne izgube v otroštvu: nevidne rane in možnosti za odpornost v odrasli dobi - zdravljenje z molitvijo in novimi odnosi Abstract : This article e x amines the c oncep t of unr esolv ed and ambiguo us loss in childhood, e xplor ing its v ar ious manif e s t a tions and the pr of ound impact it c an have on individuals throughout their lives. Dr awing on the theory of att a- chment, child development, ambiguous loss, and unresolved grief, the author critic ally highligh ts ho w the o v erlook ed and in visible w ounds of v arious child- hood losses oft en shape adult lif e. The aim is t o shed ligh t on the o v erlook ed har dships of individuals oft en not r ec ognised by socie ty . This article will empha- sise the import ance of f os t ering ne w r ela tionship s in a sa f e en vir onmen t. In addr essing and r esolving these in visible w ounds, the author will, as a scien tific c on tribution t o the field of in visible childhood w ounds, highligh t the import an- ce of c on t empor ar y r ela tional f amily ther ap y . Ne w r ela tionship s, which ma y include a r ela tionship with God, ar e c onsider ed a k e y aspect of healing. The r ela tionship with God is discussed as a possible w a y of healing deep w ounds from childhood. Keywords: u n r eso l v ed l o ss, amb i gu o u s l o ss, ch i l d h o o d , r el a tio n al f ami l y th er ap y , prayer Povzetek: Prispe v ek obr a vna v a k oncept ner azr ešene in dv oumne iz gube v otr oš tvu, pr oučuje njene r azlične izr az e in globok vpliv , ki g a lahk o ima na posame znik o- v o življenjsk o pot. Na podlagi t eorije na v e z anos ti, otr ok o v eg a r az v oja, dv oumne iz gube in ner azr ešeneg a ž alo v anja a v t oric a kritično poudarja, k ak o spr egledane in ne vidne r ane r azličnih iz gub iz otr oš tv a pog os t o oblik ujejo življenje odr aslih. S t e m ž e li os v e tliti spr e gle dane s tisk e posame znik o v , k i jih dr užba pog os t o ne prepozna. Avtorica poudarja pomen spodbujanja novih odnosov v varnem oko- lju. Pri obravnavi in razreševanju teh nevidnih ran je, tudi v smislu njenega 404 Bogoslovni vestnik 84 (2024) • 2 znans tv eneg a prispe vk a, izpos t a vljen pomen sodobne r elacij sk e družinsk e t e- r apije. No vi odnosi lahk o vključujejo tudi odnos z Bog om in v eljajo z a ključni vidik z dr a vljenja. Odnos z Bog om se obr a vna v a k ot mo ž en način z dr a vljenja globokih ran iz otroštva. Ključne besede : ner azr ešena iz guba, dv oumna iz guba, otr oš tv o , r elacijsk a družinsk a terapija, molitev 1. Introduction Childhood is oft en per ceiv ed as a time of innocence and c ar e fr ee jo y . F or man y pe ople , ho w e v e r , it c an also be a time mar k e d b y sig nific an t losse s (P aul and V as- w ani 2020, 1; F er o w 2019, 1) tha t ha v e an impact w ell in t o adulthood. These los- ses c an lea v e emotional w ounds tha t ma y g o unnoticed or unr esolv ed f or y ear s. Unresolved childhood losses encompass a wide range of experiences, including the dea th of a par en t(s), gr and par en t(s) or sibling(s), par en t al div or ce or separ a- tion, par en t al inc ar cer a tion, men t al illness in the f amily or other tr auma tic e v en ts such as f os t er c ar e placemen t or adjus tmen t (F er o w 2019, 1), neglect, ph y sic al or emotional abuse, and other tr auma tic e v en ts. Wha t char act erises these losses is not only their occurrence in childhood but also the lack of adequate support or c oping a t tha t time (Maier and Lachman 2000, 183). Childr en ma y not ha v e the c ognitiv e or emotional r esour ces t o fully pr ocess their grie f or mak e sense of their e xperiences, r esulting in unr esolv ed f eelings tha t per sis t in t o adulthood (Biank and W erner -Lin 2011, 272; Chachar , Y ounus and Ali 2021, 1). The e ff e cts of unr esolv ed child hood loss c an manif es t in a v arie ty of w a y s, a f- f ecting emotional, p s y chologic al, and e v en ph y sic al w ell-being. Individuals ma y struggle with low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, depression, and difficulty es t ablishing and main t aining r ela tionship s. Unpr ocessed grie f c an also manif es t itself in maladaptive coping mechanisms such as subs t ance abuse, sel f -harm or other des tru ctiv e beh a vi ou r s. F urth ermor e, these un r esol v ed l osses c an a ff ect ho w people per ceiv e themselv es, other s and the w orld ar ound them, shaping their belie f s, v alues and a ttitudes thr oughout their liv es (Biank and W er- ner -Lin 2011, 272; Gribneau Bahm e t al. 2017, 193). It is evident that modern society has made considerable progress in understan- ding v ar ious aspe cts of lif e , y e t the r e is s till a sig nific an t amoun t of c on fusion in the ar ea of childr en’ s grie f and emotions. The losses e xperienced b y childr en ar e oft en vie w ed and e x amined thr ough the lens of adult under s t anding (Noble-Carr 2017, 41). Due t o the diff er en t per cep tions of time and space tha t childr en ha v e a t diff er en t s t ag es of their de v elopmen t, their under s t anding of diff er en t losses is also v e r y diff e r en t (Biank and W e rne r -Lin 2011, 277). This mak e s the m vulne- rable to being overlooked. How ev er , the c oncept of unr esolv ed loss is a signific an t f act or in childhood e xperiences, as e videnced b y the in fluence of a tt achmen t theor y . This theor y e f- 405 Tanja Valenta - Unresolved and Ambiguous Losses in Childhood f ectiv ely c ap tur es the aspect of unr esolv ed loss in childhood as de t ermined b y the Adult A tt achmen t In t er vie w (AAI) ins trumen t (Bakk um e t al. 2022, 587). Furthermor e, r ela tional f amily ther ap y enables the iden tific a tion of unr esolv ed a ff ects associa t ed with the loss. The ther apeutic pr ocess pr o vides the ther apis t with a sufficien tly sa f e en vir on men t t o addr ess unr esolv ed a ff ects tha t ar e oft en s t or ed in implicit memor y (Gos t ečnik 2019, 333; Simonič and P oljanec 2008, 249). 2. Can Ambiguous Losses in Childhood Become Unresolved Losses? Unprocessed loss in childhood, whether through death or absence, can have a si- gnific an t impact on c og nitiv e and e motional de v e lopme n t (Biank and W e rne r -Lin 2011, 271; Gribneau Bahm e t al. 2017, 191). This c an manif es t in incr eased neu- r oph y siologic al sensitivity t o memories of loss and lead t o dis turbances in p s y cho- logic al functioning (Gribneau Bahm e t al. 2017, 191). An ambiguous loss, wher e a pe r son is ph y sic ally pr e se n t but p s y c holog ic ally ab se n t, c an be par tic ular ly c hal- lenging f or child r en as it c an lead t o pr olong ed and unackno wledg ed grie f (Boss 2009, 24). One place wher e this is particularly r ele v an t is, f or e x ample, f os t er c ar e an d ad o p tion , wh er e ch i l d r en o ft en e xp eri en ce amb i gu o u s l o ss an d e v en d i sen- fr anchised loss (Dutil 2019, 179; Miedema 2023, 7). The inability t o r esolv e ambiguous losses c an r esult in signific an t per sonal and f amilial difficulties. These difficulties do not r esult fr om p s y chologic al de ficiencies among those in v olv ed; r a ther , the y arise fr om unc on tr ollable cir cums t ances or e xt ernal pr essur es tha t impede their capacity t o cope and griev e e ff ectiv ely . Furthermor e, ambiguous loss in v olv es a unique uncert ain ty , oft en s t emming fr om unclear in f orma tion about the loss or diff ering vie w s on the pr esence or ab sence of family members within the close-knit group. For instance, children of a missing military parent might have no details about their father’s status, leaving his fate unknown. Conversely, children from a divorced household might be aware of their f a ther ’ s loc a tion and main t ain c on t act, y e t disput e with their mother about his ong oing r ole in the f amily (Boss 2009, 7). T w o basic types of ambiguous loss c an be dis tinguished. In the fir s t type of am- biguous loss, the person is perceived by family members as physically absent but psychologically present, as their fate is uncertain. The cases of missing persons e x emplif y the c a t as tr ophic f orm of this type of loss. In addition, ther e ar e c ases of lo ss in div or ce and adop tiv e f amilies wher e a par en t or child is per ceiv ed t o be p s y chologic ally ab sen t or missing (Boss 2009, 8; F er o w 2019, 3). Moreover, ambiguous loss is a stressful event that goes beyond the normal human e xperience, similar t o the trig g er s of pos t -tr auma tic s tr ess disor der (PTSD), but with per sis t en t uncert ain ty . Unlik e P T SD , which s t ems fr om specific e v en ts, ambiguous loss is long-las ting and debilit a ting. The c onsequences ar e the same as P T SD , f or e x ample, depr ession, an xiety , and guilt, but it is an ongoing tr auma. R ela tiv es descri- 406 Bogoslovni vestnik 84 (2024) • 2 be it as a rollercoaster ride of hope and hopelessness, where loved ones are lost, found, and lost again. This cycle results in psychological numbing and can lead to c ognitiv e and beha viour al a v oidance pr ocesses. Similarly , people who e xperience ambiguous loss feel helpless and can become immobilised by the constant uncerta- in ty (Boss 2009, 24; F ear on and Mansell 2001, 380; Wild, Duffy and Ehler s 2023, 2). The occurrence of parental divorce, as an example of ambiguous loss during childhood, has been linked to an increased prevalence of psychiatric disorders, with a particular association observ ed with subs t ance abuse disor der s (T ebek a et al. 2016, 678). Furthermor e, ambiguous loss r ar ely r esults in emotional r esolution or a clear understanding. This loss perpetuates a relentless search for answers, which com- plic a t es and dela y s the grie ving pr ocess, oft en r esulting in unr esolv ed grie f (Dok a 2017, 66, 93). Unr esolv ed grie f is char act erised by a per sis t en t y earning f or the los t individual and difficulty in accepting the loss, which c an r esult in signific an t emoti- onal and ph y sic al s ympt oms tha t c an bec ome debilit a ting. This fr equen tly giv es rise t o self -des tructiv e beha viour s such as self -isola tion, neglect of self -c ar e, and incr e- ased subs t ance use (L ytje and Dyr egr ov 2019, 16). 3. (Un)Resolved Loss of a Parent in Childhood The dea th of a par en t, e xperienced b y 4–7% of childr en in W es t ern c oun tries b y the age of 18, is consistently ranked as one of the most stressful events a child c an endur e. R e tr ospectiv e s tudies ha v e f ound las ting p s y chia tric c onsequences in children who lose a parent. However, knowledge about the extent, course, or predictors of psychiatric outcomes in these bereaved children remains limited (P aul and V as w ani 2020, 2; R os tila 2016, 1103). Furthermor e, the dea th of a signific an t per son in one’ s lif e r equir es an adjus t- ment of one’s internal working model to account for death as a fundamental aspect of r eality . R esear ch based on a tt achmen t theor y assumes tha t an unr esolv ed loss is essen tially an unin t egr a t ed e xperience of loss within the individual’ s in t ernal working model. Occasionally, a person may acknowledge the loss, but if the loss is not accepted as a permanent phenomenon, this may manifest as psychological disor g anisa tion (Be v e rung 2012, 2; Erz ar and K ompan Erz ar 2011, 117). This c an be measur ed with the Adult A tt achmen t In t er vie w (AAI). In addition, tw o dimen- sions of the Adult A tt achmen t Coding Manual c ap tur e unr esolv ed loss. These ar e the c ons t an t sear ch and longing f or the object of a tt achmen t and the inability t o accept the r eality of loss (Jac obvitz and R eis z 2019, 174; Main, Hesse and Goldw yn 2008, 49). In the c on t e xt of c onducting Adult A tt achmen t In t er vie w s (AAI), one c an ob ser v e ins t ances of men t al disor g anisa tion and c on fusion in the tr anscrip ts of these i n t er vi e w s. It i s i mport an t t o f ocus on the i n t er vi e w ee’ s l i n gui s tic pa tt erns when discussing the loss (Jac ob vitz and R eis z 2019, 174). In such c ases, long silen- ces, un finished sen t ences, disorien t ed speech or c on fused s t a t emen ts c an be ob- ser v ed when the r esponden t t alk s about the loss (Be v erung 2012, 3; Erz ar and K ompan Erz ar 2011, 117; Main, Hesse in Goldw yn 2008, 49). 407 Tanja Valenta - Unresolved and Ambiguous Losses in Childhood Mor eo v er , a tt achmen t tr auma c an be tr aced back t o v arious dis turbances in childhood r ela tionship s. Separ a tion is particularly s tr ess ful f or y oung childr en, as the y lack a c ognitiv e under s t anding of time and per ceiv e this as inde finit e aban- donment by their primary caregiver . The fear of abandonment triggers deep anxi- ety in these children, which is exacerbated by their inability to understand the t empor ar y na tur e of separ a tions or t o dis tinguish be tw een the lit er al truth and perceived threats. The death of a caregiver is consistently experienced by infants and young children as abandonment, leading to a loss of both physical and emo- tional security (Ring el 2019, 116). Furthermor e, Biank and W erner -Lin (2011, 272; 273) e x amine the long-t erm e ff e cts of g r ie f in childhood and find tha t childr e n’ s unde r s t anding of loss e v olv e s as the y ma tur e. Ber ea v ed child r en and adolescen ts ar e able t o r e visit and r ein t e- gr a t e the loss of a par en t as their emotional, mor al and c ognitiv e abilities ma tur e. The unde r s t anding of e ar ly loss c an be modifie d b y c ognitiv e de v e lopme n t in the pr esence of a c ar e t ak er f or the ber ea v ed child. Other wise, unr esolv ed tr auma tic losses in childhood can result in an unresolved, complex grieving process and dys- functional r ela tionship s in adulthood (F er o w 2019, 3; Ring el 2019, 120). 4. A Double Task for Children Experiencing Loss An e x t ensiv e lit er a tur e e x amines ho w early par en t al loss and grie f a ff ect a child’ s development and core competencies. This literature highlights the challenges a child who has e xperienced the loss of a par en t f aces in c oping with norma tiv e de- v elopmen t al t ask s and primary grie ving t ask s (F er ow 2019, 1; Kissil 2016, 224). As these pr ocesses occur simult aneously , the loss of a par ent (thr ough death, div or ce or men t al illness) and the subsequen t grie f ar e ine xtric ably in t ertwined with the s truc- tur e of the grie ving child. The de v elopmen t al pr ocess is hinder ed by the in fluence of guilt -laden magic al thinking , r eunion f an t asies, and the ling ering dev as t a tion and r egr e t about the lif e tha t c ould ha v e been if the par en t w er e s till aliv e. The absence of the parent suggests that the child lacks the familiar support to accomplish tasks tha t ar e c onsider ed normal or grie f -r ela t ed. The pot en tial ps y chologic al loss of the parent who chooses to persist in their grief or disappointment may result in children att empting to manage the pr ocess of gr owth and grief on their own (F er ow 2019, 4). Furthermore, the literature on child development shows that children’s acqui- sition of c ogniti v e, mor al and e motional skills is, t o some e x t en t, sequen tial and cumula tiv e . Be f or e v e n tur ing in t o m or e c om ple x t ask s, childr e n m us t fir s t m as t e r t he sk ills r e quir e d f or e ar lie r t ask s (Ca r lson 2 0 0 5 , 5 9 9 ; Doe be l 2 0 2 0 , 4 ). W he n a child experiences disabling grief, they are overwhelmed with the tasks of grief and ma y not be able t o c on tinue their de v elopmen t. Consequen tly , the chang es tha t occur as a r esult of the illness and dea th of a par en t ha v e a signific an t impact on the child’ s de v elopmen t al tr aject or y (Cipriano and Cipriano 2017, 122; Fiorini and Mullen 2006, 31). It is not unc ommon f or childr en, including school-ag e childr en, t o e xperience de v elopmen t al r egr ession (F er o w 2019, 4). Childr en ar e unable t o 408 Bogoslovni vestnik 84 (2024) • 2 under s t and and pr ocess separ a tion and its immedia t e or long-t erm c onsequences, either mor ally or c ognitiv ely . As a r esult, the y ar e unable t o c omple t e the grie ving pr ocess. Childr en e xperience the loss of a par en t or par en ts a t diff er en t s t ag es of de v elopmen t. Furthermor e, r esear cher s h ypothesise tha t in r ein t erpr e ting the dea th of their par en t(s), childr en mus t also gr apple with their pr e vious under s t an- ding of their parent’s life and death and mourn the life they lost when their par en t(s) le ft them. (Biank W arner -Lin 2010, 272; F er o w 2019, 6) In addition t o the mor e obvious losses associa t ed with par en t al dea th, separ a ti- on and disas ter s, childr en fr om f amilies f acing comple x challenges and changes oft en suff er numer ous other , less visible losses tha t oft en g o unnoticed by other s (F er ow 2019, 1; Nobbel-Car 2017, 14). Childr en living in f amilies a ff ect ed by violence, men- t al illness, subs t ance abuse, pov erty and social e x clusion suff er losses c ompar able t o those e xperienced by victims of major disas t er s (F er ow 2019, 3; Nobbel-Car 2017, 22). F or e x ample, childr en who become homeless as a r esult of f amily violence oft en cite the loss of family, home, friends, pets, neighbourhood, safety and security as import an t f act or s in their liv es (Callaghan and Ale x ander 2015, 13). Childr en whose par en ts suff er fr om men t al illness, such as depr ession, ar e a t risk of dev eloping dy s- function in adulthood due t o f eelings of abandonmen t and loss. Childr en with one or both par en ts inc ar cer a t ed suff er similar losses t o childr en of deceased par en ts or childr en placed in f os t er c ar e (F er ow 2019, 3). Furthermor e, the loss of inc ar ce- r a t ed par en ts is ambiguous, as the par en ts ar e s till men t ally pr esen t but ar e no lon- g er ph y sic ally with the child (Mik olič and Osr edk ar 2023, 759). The main diff er ence between these children and children who have experienced a disaster lies in the r egularity and permanence with which the y ar e e xposed t o tr auma tic e xperiences. This ongoing e xposur e can pr of oundly impact their self -identity and undermine their c on fidence in the w orld ar ound them (Nobbel-Car 2017, 22). However, theories about grief processes are predominantly based on adult re- sear ch, wher eas childr en ar e though t t o under g o qualit a tiv ely diff er en t r ec o v er y pr ocesses. F or ins t ance, childr en’ s c ognitiv e and emotional abilities, such as as- sessing situa tions and r egula ting emotions, ar e s till de v eloping. The y ma y per ce- iv e thr ea ts diff er en tly due t o their unde v eloped fr ame of r e f er ence. Additionally , their limit ed ability t o r e flect on and v erbalise c omple x emotions a ff ects ho w the y pr ocess tr auma and chang e (Alisic e t al. 2011, 274; Chen e t al. 2021, 3–4). 5. The Invisible Wounds of Childhood (Unresolved) Losses in Adults 5.1 Sense of Fear Children who have experienced an ambiguous loss or a loss that has not been pr ocessed and e v alua t ed oft en e xperience a sense of f ear (or e v en dang er). This f eeling oft en per sis ts in t o adul thood. Although a v oidan t and an xious adults ma y not ha v e e xperienced tr auma associa t ed with a disor g anised pa tt ern, the y typi- cally have not developed a sense of security based on the ongoing experience of a 409 Tanja Valenta - Unresolved and Ambiguous Losses in Childhood r ela tionship with their a tt achmen t figur es. Ins t ead, their in t ernal w orking models ar e based on a lack of security in times of thr ea t, separ a tion or loss, or r epea t ed e xperiences described in a tt achmen t theor y as maladjus tme n t, r ejection and in- tru si v en ess o f c ar egi v er s ( Ri n g el 2019, 119) . Mo r eo v er , tw o p ri mar y sel f -r egu l a- t or y s tr a t egies ha v e been iden tified in individuals with insecur e a tt achmen t, oft en r ec ognised in people with unr esolv ed losses: h yper activ a ting and deactiv a ting r e- sponses (Mik ulincer and Sha v er 2012, 12; Schenck, Eberle and Rings 2016, 235). In addition, r elationship str ess, which can manif est as r elationship anxiety (e.g., the f ear of being alone) or r elationship tr auma (e. g., the f ear that something t errible will happen in the r elationship), if left unr egulated in childhood in the f ace of v arious unr e- cognised losses, causes an unpleasant psychical r eaction in adulthood. The adult, wi- thout r ealising it, tries to r egulat e this r eaction by using ineff ectiv e coping s tr at egies, which can lead to f eelings of guilt, anger and sadness (P oljak Luk ek 2017, 59). 5.2 Psychosomatic Symptoms In addition, the tr auma of ambiguous loss, unr esolv ed loss, and ber ea v emen t c an a ff ect child and adolescen t de v elopmen t, leading t o f a tigue, insomnia, headaches, abdominal pain, a tt en tion de ficits, r egr ession in de v elopmen t al miles t ones, r ela- tional c on flicts, and ac ademic decline (Boss 2016, 273; K a v aler -Adler 2006, 251; Ma y er 2011, 454; Miedema 2023, 8). On an or g anic le v el, this is manif es t ed b y a lack of ser ot onin, the link be tw een s timuli in the br ain. Such a lack is a char ac- t eris tic f ea tur e of depr ession, an xie ty , and ob sessiv e-c ompulsiv e disor der . Mos t ser ot onin is pr oduced in the gut, with up t o 95% of all ser ot onin pr oduced in this or g an (Bansk ot a, Ghia and Khan 2018, 56). This sug g es ts tha t ther e is a link be t- w een ph y sic al sensa tions of abdominal pain and tr auma tic memories associa t ed with loss, especially if it is a deeply soma tic, implicit memor y . It is import an t t o note that all of these symptoms are accompanied by underlying anger and rage tha t ar e c omple t ely unc onscious. Only a ft er w ar ds, in a sa f e en vir onmen t with a supportiv e ther apis t, c an the per son e xperience a sense of sa f e ty and bec ome a w ar e of and deal with their a ff ectiv e s t a t es and original ang er (Gos t ečnik 2019, 333). The ability t o solv e pr oblems is oft en impair ed by uncert ain ty about the t em- por ality of a pr oblem. P er sis t en t ambiguous loss c an signific an tly dis t ort c ognitiv e processes, disrupt meaning-making, impede the grieving process, and impair the e ff ectiv eness of c oping mechanisms (Boss 2006, 195–196). 5.3 Affective Psychic Construct Around Experiencing a Loss In addition, diff er en t e xperiences of loss c an also lead t o f eelings of be tr a y al, sha- me, guilt, helplessness and iden tity c on fusion (Boss 2006, 161; F er o w 2019, 4). The e xperience of ambiguous loss challeng es an individual’ s per cep tion of c on tr ol and leads t o qu es tions about the c ause of the e v en t and a r e assessmen t of per- sonal belie f s and v alues (Boss 2006, 163; 2009, 118). T o deal with the ambiguity surr ounding the missing per son, the individual ma y r esort t o ab solut e assertions, either declaring that the missing person has disappeared or denying that anything has chang ed since their ab sence (2009, 119). 410 Bogoslovni vestnik 84 (2024) • 2 Consequen tly , numer ous rigid pa tt erns within the f amily unit, such as e xtr a- marit al a ff air s, unr esolv ed c on flicts, aliena tion, isola tion and f ear of the outside world, frequent divorces, depression, workaholism, and escapism through tele- vision series can be compensatory behaviours of individuals who cannot cope with the uncert ain or unr esolv ed loss (V alen t a 2021, 51). These de f ence mecha- nisms, also kno wn as a ff ectiv e p s y chic c ons tructs, ar e c ons t an tly driv en b y in tr o- jectiv e iden tific a tion t o r egula t e difficult a ff ects such as ang er , shame, and sa- dness (Gos t ečnik 2021, 157). Ultima t ely , these mechanisms c an lead t o people being unable t o f orm r ela tionship s with other s due t o their f ear of further loss (McGoldrick 1995, 144). 5.4 Self-Destructive Behaviour In the longitudinal s tudy (Hamdan et al. 2012, 216), the gr oup of adolescen ts who had lost a parent exhibited a higher number of health risk behaviours over time than the non-ber ea v ed gr oup. R esear ch, including both cr oss-sectional and longitudinal s tudies, has f ound an incr eased risk of depr ession, pos t -tr auma tic s tr ess disor der (P T SD), alc ohol and sub s t ance use (Melhem e t al. 2008, 408; T e- bec a e t al. 2016 , 679), and beha viour al pr oblems in adult chi ldr en who ha v e los t a par en t. While the neg a tiv e e ff ects of f amily adv er sity on health and health risk beha viour s ar e w ell documen t ed, the specific e ff ects of the loss of a par en t on health risk behaviours are less well known. Health risk behaviours such as risky se x ual activity , ph y sic al inactivity , c arr ying w eapons, figh ting , and not w earing sea t belts ar e signific an t c on tribut or s t o morbidity and mort ality among y oung people (Hamdan e t al. 2012, 218; L y tje and Dyr egr o v 2019, 17). R esear ch on the i mpact of l osses on chr onic sel f -des tructiv e beha viour (V alen- t a 2021, 163) c omplemen ts the abov e b y showing tha t thr ee of the fiv e losses analysed showed s t atis tically significant diff er ences in scor es on the chr onic self -des tructiv e beha viour dimension. In particular , these s t a tis tic al signific ances w er e f ound f or tw o losses tha t c an be c a t eg orised as ambiguous losses: “Ha v e you ever experienced a close friend or family member having a life-threatening illness?” and “Have you ever been separated from your family?” as well as the loss of a par en t thr ough departur e or dea th (“Did one of y ou r par en ts or guar di- ans die or lea v e y ou when y ou w er e a child? ”). The r ela tionship be tw een the number of diff er en t losses and the dimension of chr onic self -des tructiv e beha viour w as also e x amined. Ag ain, the r esults sho w ed tha t participan ts with mor e e xperienced losses show ed mor e chr onic self -des truc- tiv e beha viour . In summar y , adults’ v arious dy s functional r eactions t o ambiguous or unr esol- ved losses are unconscious, and adults do not associate them with the loss itself. It is not uncommon for individuals who engage in these behaviours to experience signific an t grie f as a r esult of their unc onscious and dy s functional actions. These actions oft en lead t o r ejection b y those ar ound them, which in turn trig g er s f ee- lings of r ejection, ang er , shame and sadness. 411 Tanja Valenta - Unresolved and Ambiguous Losses in Childhood 6. Resilience Through New Relationships Coping with unresolved childhood loss requires a comprehensive approach that takes into account the complexity of grief and trauma. Individual, family or gro- up therapy can provide a safe environment in which individuals can explore their feelings, memories and beliefs about their losses. Furthermor e, ambiguous and unr esolv ed losses ar e r ela tional, so tr ea tmen t mus t be r ela tional. It mus t in v olv e mor e than medic a tion f or depr ession or an xi- e ty . Mor e import an tly , an authen tic human r ela tionship is essen tial t o building resilience. For example, someone who has experienced an unresolved loss beca- use a par en t has le ft them due t o div or ce needs people who c an be fully with them t o c ompensa t e f or the disrupt ed r ela tionship with their par en t. Grie v er s find r esilience thr ough a br oad er human c onnection (a friend , a ther apis t, a r ela- tiv e) tha t balances the ambiguous loss. (Boss, R oos and Harris 2011, 165) How can we reduce the risk of a loss in childhood remaining unresolved? Wray e t al. (2022, 1) and Tit elman (2019, 22) sug g es t t alking openly and hones tly with the child and in v olving them in wha t is happening in the f amily and f amily a ff air s a t the time of dea th. Other wise, both the child and the par en ts suppr ess their f eelings and a v oid c ommunic a tion t o pr ot ect each other and e v er y one ar ound them. The taboo associated with death persists and limits the support that some individuals and families might receive. In addition, r esear ch show s tha t while unr esolv ed and ambiguous losses in childhood c an lead t o c omplic a t ed grie f , the f orma tion of ne w r ela tionship s and the ability t o r e c ons truct meaning c an c on tribut e t o r esilience in adulthood (Le- i t ch 2022, 355). In further anal y si s, r esear cher s ha v e f ound tha t gri e f a v oi dance is a crucial aspect of complicated grief as it hinders an individual’s ability to adapt their in t ernal w orking model (Bui 2018, 86; Shear e t al. 2007, 455). This grie f a v o- idance is an a tt emp t a t in t ernal p s y cho-or g anic r egula tion tha t ser v es as a de f en- ce mechanism to gradually process the shock and loss, as the loss and associated f eelings se v er ely disrupt the e xis ting homeos t asis of the individual and f amily . Therefore, the therapist’s task is to release the blockages slowly and thus build a ne w r ela tionship with the clien t o v er time (Gos t ečnik 2021, 33). 6.1 New Relationship Through Relational Family Therapy R ela tional f amily ther ap y , which enc ompasses analy tic al appr oaches fr om object r ela tions theor y , eg o p s y chology , in t erper sonal p s y choanaly sis and r egula tion the- or y , w ork s on thr ee le v els: s y s t emic, in t erper sonal and in tr ap s y chic-p s y choor g a- nic. It c omprises fiv e elemen ts: basic a ff ect, a ff ect r egula tion, a ff ectiv e p s y chic c ons truct, pr ojectiv e-in tr ojectiv e iden tific a tion and c ompulsiv e r epe tition. This enables a pr of ound c on fr on t a tion with loss and pain ful emotions (Gos t ečnik 2021, 332). Th r ough this me thod of deep c on fr on t a tion with losses , pas t, unpr ocessed losses may come to the surface, which must be addressed and appropriately regu- la t ed in the ther apeutic pr ocess, as the y ar e acc ompanied b y in t ense and block ed emotions (Gos t ečnik 2019, 349; Simonič and P oljanec 2008, 255). 412 Bogoslovni vestnik 84 (2024) • 2 This app r oach addr esses the en tir e a ff ect r egula tion s y s t em, which also inclu- des organic components with all sub-elements, such as the hormonal system, the s y s t em r egul a ting or g anic t ensi on, r el a x a tion and ini tia tion, c ortic al and subc or- tic al c onnections be tw een the limbic s y s t em and c ortic al c ognitiv e functions (Go- s t ečnik 2019, 358–366). Furthermor e, acc or ding t o the principles of r egula tion theor y , the ther apeutic r ela tionship is based on the bond be tw een ther apis t and individual and pr omot es the growth of the individual in novel ways. This growth is not limited to the indi- vidual r eg aining their so-c alled ‘ acquir ed, earned security ’ (Erz ar and K ompan Erz ar , 2011, 25). Schor e (2019, 245) agr ees tha t this pr ocess also e xpands and regulates the right hemispheric unconscious sphere and its unconscious proces- ses. R ec en t r ese ar ch sug g es ts tha t the individual’ s br ain functi ons and s tructur es ar e also alt er ed (Gos t ečnik 2021, 392; Schor e 2016, 150; 2019, 11–12). In other w or ds, people c an ha v e a pr of ound in fluence on each other , both in terms of their intellect and the content of their arguments, as well as through an in tuitiv e, c ompassiona t e and sub tle a ttitude, which in turn e v ok es an under s t an- ding and lo ving a ttitude (Gos t ečnik 2021, 413; Schor e 2019, 243). The f ocus is on the empa thic and in tuitiv e c onnection be tw een clien t and ther apis t, as w ell as on the shar ed humanity and mutuality tha t char act erise the p s y chother apeutic pa th. In this environment, the therapist listens with an open curiosity characterised by an empa thic a ttitude, c aring , r espect and the ability t o gr asp and e xperience the clien t ’ s suff ering as w ell as their o wn (Schor e 2019, 123), enabling the e xplor a tion of a ne w and diff er en t r ela tionship. 6.2 Marital Relationship as a Possibility of a New Relationship I n addition, t he m ar it al r e la tionship c an also se r v e as a he aling e n v ir onm e n t f or people c oping with the emotional a ft erma th of v arious types of loss (Co z olino 2014, 398; Johnson 2004, 495; P oult on 2013, 96). Spouses ar e in an ideal posi- tion t o support each other in r egula ting neg a tiv e emotions. Consequen tly , the ‘ a ff ect ed’ partner ma y e xperience the husband or wif e as c aring , r esponsiv e and appr oachable, leading t o a c orr ectiv e emotional e xperience tha t c on tr as ts with tha t e xperienced during the tr auma. It has also been sug g es t ed tha t the c orr ectiv e e xperience in marriag e is particularly e ff ectiv e when the tr auma is in t erper sonal (Mik ulincer and Sha v er 2020, 6; Whiff en and Oliv er 2004, 154). A deep in t erper- son al r el a tion sh i p th a t r epr esen ts th e i n timacy of tw o p eop l e wh o ar e d e t ermi- ned t o liv e t og e ther , or a r ela tionship tha t is char act erised b y the dynamic of the partners, their mutual acceptance and understanding, is only the beginning of the journe y and on e of the gr ea t es t opportunities f or finally r esolving unr esolv ed is- sues from childhood experiences in the primary family. This can be done so that a so-c alled e xis t en tial r ele v ance is achie v ed in one’ s o wn lif e. T o sum m ar ise , t e c hnique s suc h as t alk the r ap y and som a tic e xpe r ie nc e allo w individuals t o begin pr ocessing their grie f , o v er c ome maladap tiv e though t pa t- t erns, and de v elop healthier c oping s tr a t egies. In addition, marit al r ela tionship s, 413 Tanja Valenta - Unresolved and Ambiguous Losses in Childhood support gr oup s, and c ommuni ty r esour ces c an pr o vide v alida tion, empa th y , and c onnection t o other s who ha v e e xperienced a similar loss. 6.3 Relationship with God as a Healing Relationship The ability to manage stress spiritually or religiously through prayer depends on de v eloping a sa f e r ela tionship with a higher po w er . This per sonal c onnection t o God pr o vides a se nse of se curity and trus t (Me ije r - v an e t al. 2017, 217; P oljak Lu- k ek and Simoni č 2022, 479), essen tial f or c oping with an unr esolv ed and/ or am- biguous loss. This state is characterised by a sense of belief in the transcendent and a r ene w ed sense of jo y in lif e (P oljak Luk ek and Simonič 2022, 472). In additi on, r ese ar cher s in p s y chology ar gue tha t the imag e of God c arries the energy and dynamism of a living person, which enables the establishment of a g enuine and dynamic r ela tionship (Erz ar 2021, 932; Jer ebic, Bošnjak o vić and Je- r ebic 2023, 355 ; P oljak Luk ek and Simonič 2022, 472), especially thr ough pr a y er or activ e c ommunic a tion with God. In additi on, the beha viour of r eligious people has also been s tudied in nume- r ous e xperimen ts. Meijer - v an e t al. (2017, 217) f ound tha t r eligion c an pr omot e implicit self -r egula tion (Jeglič 2022, 144), which unc onsciousl y in fluences the ac- tions and r egula t es the emotions of r eligious people. Schjoed t e t al. (2009, 204) ha v e shown tha t pr a ying t o God activ a t es br ain r egions associa t ed with activ e in t erper sonal in t er actions, allo wing individuals t o cr ea t e an in t ernal r epr esen t a- tion of the “ other ” , in this c ase, God. This sug g es ts tha t w or shipper s per ceiv e God as a r eal, meaningful per son r a ther than an ab s tr act or fictional being. This c on- cep t of an inner r epr esen t a tion of God as a per son is also discussed b y Schaap- Jonk er e t al. (2014, 303). R esear ch has sho wn tha t diff er en t ar eas of the br ain ar e in v olv e d in the f orma tion of the se aspe cts. In the emotional ar e a, ar e as such as the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex play an important role in assigning emo- tional meaning t o beha viour s and e v en ts. In c on tr as t, the c ognitiv e part r elies on cir cuits r esponsible f or pr ocessing linguis tic and s ymbolic in f orma tion (V an Men ts e t al. 2018, 4). In addition, pr a y er activ a t es br ain r egions r esponsible f or activ e in t erper sonal in t er actions and allo w s people t o cr ea t e an in t ernal men t al model of God, jus t as the y do f or other people (Neubauer 2014, 97), which c an be a v er y import an t, some times e v en crucial, r ela tionship (T r on t elj 2023, 941) in healing invisible childhood wounds of unresolved loss. 414 Bogoslovni vestnik 84 (2024) • 2 7. Conclusion In c onclusion, the e ff ects of ambiguous and unr esolv ed losses in childhood c an be pr of ound, in fluencing c ognitiv e, emotional, and a ttitudinal de v elopmen t. These e ff ects c an per sis t in t o adulthood. The c onsequences of such e xperiences mani- f es t in incr ease d sensitivity t o memories of loss, impair ed p s y chologic al functio- ning , and difficulties in f orming secur e a tt achmen ts (Flechsenhar e t al 2024, 191). Furthermor e, this paper emphasises the r ec ognition tha t the pr ocess of c oping with loss in childhood is inher en tly c omple x, as the w ounds ar e in visible and oft en o v erlook ed b y those a ff ect ed bec ause the y ar e s tr ongly pr esen t in implicit memo- r y . The visible manif es t a tions of the in visible w ounds of childhood loss include the s ymp t oms pr e viously men tioned. It is crucial t o r ec ognise tha t individuals who ha v e e xperienced childhood lo ss ma y r esort t o maladap tiv e c oping mechanisms in an un c onscious a tt emp t t o a v oid a r ecurr ence of the origin al loss due t o in t o- lerable pain. Unfortunately, such coping mechanisms serve to perpetuate the fe- elings of r ejection, ang er , disappoin tmen t, f ear and sadness e xperienced a t the time of the original loss. F or these individuals, the f orma tion of a new r ela tionship, which is also the most healing, is also the source of the greatest anxiety. T o e ff e ctiv e ly addr e ss and he al the se in v isible w ounds of loss, a holis tic appr o- ach is r e quir ed tha t enc ompasses ther ap y , the es t ablishmen t of ne w , supportiv e r ela tionship s, and open c ommunic a tion. It is of the utmos t import ance t o r ec o- gnise this type of loss, which is the f ocus of this paper . The id en tific a tion of dy s- functional adult r esponses in social in t er actions and self -des tructiv e beha viour , and the c onsider a tion of childhood e xperiences of ambiguous and unr esolv ed l osses, c an f aci l it a t e the i mpl emen t a tion of a di s tinct and mor e per sonal i sed the- r apeutic appr oach. R ela tional f amily ther ap y , with its modern appr oach, enables people t o c on fr on t and chang e dy s functional pa tt erns thr ough unr egula t ed a ff ec- ts such as ang er , shame, f ear and sadness (Gos t ečnik 2021, 157). 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